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WOODWORK.

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RBNY 1-0 RSL

I sat down to watch the Western Conference finals hoping Real Salt Lake would win. I felt The Crew had a better chance against RSL in the final. I’ll admit my position was somewhat influenced by the gravity of New York… a big city with many commendable teams. Salt Lake City? Might as well be Columbus.

Then I saw the first 30 minutes of the game and was fairly floored by the performance of RSL. They looked CRISP to say the least (in all caps). Beautiful set pieces and tons of “oh shit” through balls. As a consequence RBNY has spent a lot of time chasing and blind-clearing. Imagine my surprise when a single breakaway from Crew once-was John Wolyniec led to The Red Bulls going one up. IMAGINE IT!

Now New York is up and I am fine with it. This game is a whirlwind of emotion.

NOTE AT HALF: Landon Donovan’s self-aggrandizing speech regarding his Player of the Year award was a total eye-roller. WE GET IT LANDON. YOU THINK YOU’RE GREAT AND WANT TO PLAY ON A BETTER TEAM.

WHAT THE? is my weekly Premiership review with only the interesting events that should not have happened in the first place.

Another boring week in the Prem with just a few games that are worth mentioning.

• Tottenham continued undefeated under Redknapp as Tottenham beat newly minted Man City 2-1. This win brings Tottenham out of the relegation zone. How does Harry do it?

• Struggling Arsenal had to face Manchester United this weekend. There has been much talk about Arsenal and how it might be time to move Wenger up to a director position and bring in a new skipper. Then Man U walked into the Emirates and walked out with a 2-1 loss. Arsenal hasn’t exactly made up for all the losses to bad teams but it is a move in the right direction.

• The table has Chelsea tied with Liverpool with 29 points but Chelsea has a sizeable goal lead. Arsenal are third with 23 points and Man U in forth with 21 points and a game in hand.

Saturday I watched the Crew dismantle Kansas City with class, 2-0. IT WAS EASY. Maybe next year, the Wizards can cast a spell that makes them good.

Ahem.

A more interesting aspect of this game was the behavior of the Crew Massive, Hudson Street Hooligans, Nordecke, Local 614—whatever they want to be called. The crazy fans in the corner. They’re the ones I’m so glad to have at every game, and so glad to have on the other side of the stadium at every game. The whole north corner was packed for this playoff match, and these dudes were louder and rowdier than ever.

In the past, Crew fans have been accused of racism, instigating fights with opposing fans, attempts to harm opposing players (throwing batteries?!), and attempts to put a lot of decoration on opposing players. While I can only claim witness to one of these (the decoration), I can say that we’ve definitely gained a reputation for taking both the “kid” and the “friendly” out of “kid-friendly event”. So what we have is an “event”… for adults who aren’t easily offended.

In fact, the most impressing behavior the crazy fans exhibit every game is their expertly synchronized foul language. It’s usually louder than the announcer, and with a packed house, it’s clear as a bell. I’ll admit, I’m a fan of the brazen attitude, but as I told a friend Saturday, a lot of kids are growing up tonight.

Some catchy chants I heard

Kevin Garnett, I know you are VERY tall, but you better bend over, because you DROPPED SOME NAMES.

Ronaldinho, Drogba, Ronaldo, Messi, Lampard, Del Piero… the big names kept coming in an interview with Frank Dell’Apa of the Boston Globe.

Apparently Garnett rubbed shoulders with Cesc Fabregas and Emmanuel Adebayor when the Celts played in London. Or Cesc and Emmanuel rubbed their shoulders on Garnett’s, what, I dunno, wrist? Elbow?

It’s good to know that Garnett is such a big fan, has a pitch set up in his backyard, and even enjoys *watching* the beautiful game. (Snore.) Although, he professes to be a Chelsea supporter, so it’s pretty clear he’s a Johnny-come-lately. Just kidding, KG!

P.S. I’ve been to the San Siro, so if you want a tour guide, I’m available!

In case you haven’t been paying attention, there’s a new team atop the Bundesliga table, Hoffenheim (translation “Yeah, We’ve Got One Stoplight In This Town, What Of It?”).

O RLY? Hoffenheim is so small, the team plays in front of only FIVE THOUSAND. What’s worse? Leading a top European league and only playing in front of 5,000 or playing on a baseball field?

How did the Hoffis get to the top of the ol’ Maypole? Their very own Roman Abramovich, SAP co-founder Dietmar Hopp. It’s not quite that simple, though. Unlike Abramovich’s whirlwind upending of Chelsea, it’s estimated Hopp has invested around 100 million Euros in the club over a period of twenty years, bringing the team up slowly from the depths of German fussball. He calls himself the “anti-Abramovich.”

And what is this little-club-that-could doing to the status quo? Well, the Bundesliga’s NY Yankees (i.e. richest-club-that-buys-all-the-best-players-from-other-league-teams-and-wins-the-most-engendering-the-requisite-resentment), Bayern Munich, have struggled - but with a recent hot streak have climbed all the way to third. Which, by the way, is completely unacceptable for FC Hollywood. 

Aside: I had the distinct pleasure of living and working in Munich for a year, and by working, I mean: doing an internship working 35 hours/week and drinking a LOT of wiessbier. I asked a colleague of mine if he wanted to see the first Bundesliga match of the year - it wasn’t Bayern Munich, but TSV 1860 Munich, the city’s working-class team. He turned up his nose at me like I’d asked him to shovel Kuhdung (translation “cow manure”). I went by myself. 

So, at the end of the year, will it be the little-club-that-could? The big-rich-club-that-usually-does? Or somebody-completely-boring-like-Schalke? As Franz Beckenbauer would say, “Shau ma mal.” (translation “We’ll see.”)

WHAT THE? is my weekly Premiership review with only the interesting events that should not have happened in the first place.

The weekend games during Round 11 more than made up for the lame midweek games. Where to start?

• While the final score is not a surprise, the game was. Manchester United needed all of their 4 goals to beat Hull City 4-3. Hull City would not give up as they were down 4-1 to keep Man U on their feet. This was a tough week for Hull City as they played Chelsea and Man U in a four day span. Hull City is now in 6th place on the table and Man U is 3rd.

• Arsenal is really having trouble with “easy” teams this year. Arsenal lost to new boys Stoke 2-1. How do you ask? Well, off of throw-ins to be honest. Do not be confused, these throw-ins are more like corner kicks and Rory Delap now has 5 assists off his throws this year thus far. The first goal honestly looked like it was just thrown into the far corner of the goal. Arsenal has now lost to Hull City, Fulham and Stoke, all teams that most would consider an easy 9 points. The lost left Arsenal 6 points behind the leaders.

• Tottenham (last in the Prem) had to play Liverpool (first in the Prem) at White Hart Lane. I know that Redknapp has performed miracles with other teams but Tottenham beating Liverpool is a pipe dream. Liverpool scored in the first 3 minutes. I turned off the tv. Then Tottenham decided to come back and beat Liverpool 2-1 (Liverpool did hit the pole half a dozen times). So let me get this straight, Tottenham could not beat anyone, literally, then Redknapp takes the same team and ties Arsenal and beats Prem leading Liverpool. I don’t even know what to say.

I recently complained about the MLS playing games on American football fields. I thought it couldn’t get worse in terms of venue for a professional soccer team. THEN I watched Columbus play at Kansas City in the first round of playoffs last night… ON A BASEBALL FIELD. Officials claim the converted CommunityAmerica Ballpark accommodated the FIFA minimum 70-yard width. I cross-checked a couple of maps and it actually worked out. There is JUST enough room for a minimum size pitch. The field just LOOKED 40 yards wide because we are used to watching quality matches on decent fields, 90 or so yards wide. The 70 yard minimum, as one ONN announcer put it, is more like a bowling alley. Don’t get me started on bowling!

Just look at this map!

You can sit on the grass (”cauldron”) 4 inches from the field, or pay for a seat in section 103, a location far enough away that you have to pay a different county’s sales tax on your ticket. This stadium looks like a Christmas ornament when you put a soccer field in it.

Conclusion: Play in a rectangle!!!

WHAT THE? is my weekly Premiership review with only the interesting events that should not have happened in the first place.

The mid-week games were pretty lame except one…hopefully the weekend will bring better results.

• New boys Stoke picked up a win against Sunderland 2-1 to get out of the relegation zone.

• Hull City, which has had the best start for a newly promoted team in 115 years, ran into a wall on Wednesday. Chelsea reminded Hull City that they still have a ways to go in reaching the top by downing them 3-0. Hull City falls to 5th on the Prem Table (still with a chance to play in Europe next season) and Chelsea remain in 2nd, 3 points behind Liverpool.

• The big game mid-week was Arsenal and the newly rejuvenated Tottenham HotSpurs. Tottenham had to come back twice from 2 goals down to tie Arsenal 4-4 at the Emirates. The last run had Tottenham scoring in the 89th and 94th minute to grab the point. Tottenham still have work to do as they are last on the table and face Prem leading Liverpool on Saturday.