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unrefined soccer commentary from two americans who know everything
12|29|08

GERRARD BEAT A GUY’S FACE OFF

EPL

Written by: Gabe

Blimey, I just read Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has been arrested for assault.

Steve, I don’t know you very well (and the few times we’ve met have been frankly impersonal and unbearably discreet), but something has always rubbed me the wrong way about you. On the field (read: pitch) you come off as whiny and short-tempered. Maybe you look like someone from my childhood who was an asshole, which would be admittedly unfair but kind of freaky because given today’s news, it’s reasonable to now assume you actually are an asshole.

Of course, it’s very likely you were egged on. An excuse to be sure, but I am of the opinion that adults—especially those with piles and piles money—shouldn’t pound another person’s skull for any reason short of an attempt by that person to pound the skull of said adult. (Steve, you’re the adult in this scenario)

If you were attacked, Mr. Gerrard, please accept my apologies and carry on. I must concede that there is no better response to an attempted skull-pounding than a successful retaliatory skull-pounding of your own. But, assuming you were not attacked (given that you were arrested), I will stand by my position that you may indeed be an asshole.

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