BECKHAM THEORY

Written by: Gabe

David Beckham just wants one of two things.

(A) Play at the top level of world football. Nothing feels better than knowing you’ve still got it. But in soccer terms, David is a bit of a geezer, and he knows it. So, in 2007, he opted for…

(B) Create a legacy. Put his stardom to work and establish a lasting culture of Beckham soccer. Effectively, retire on a plan that makes David a hero.

As he promised of his run in MLS, David would spend five years cultivating soccer in America, teaching children and building respect from coast to coast. A noble challenge, but possible for a guy with a profile as high as Dave’s… oh, and, with a little, um, hard work? See, apparently, this part of the plan was left out of the explanation to our hero. It seems David expected to just show up and that would be good enough. He would without a doubt excel in play and propel his team to a cup (after all this is America), in his mind. The rest—the kids, the respect, the future—would fall into place. Violá, legacy.

Reality set in for Dave probably by his fifth loss with LA: his team sucks, and the league (while not top-tier in a global sense) is much better than he thought. How could he champion a century of American soccer growth if he can’t even win a few games? Suddenly Dave was between a rock and a hard place; he could have neither A nor B. The right thing to do at this point would have been to lead his team a la Columbus savior Barros Schelotto, but you could see in his face after every goal against that instead he became frustrated, increasingly lazy, resented his teammates, and ultimately withdrew from his promises. Essentially, it was too hard. And he is a douchebag.

THEN! By the grace of God a respectable top-tier club in Italy showed interest in David’s ability to perform at a substandard level (read: move jerseys) and Dave couldn’t wait to sell out for the forgotten glory that is option A. Good luck with those caps, Dave.

I actually believed he was a good guy with great intentions and actual determination. In reality, he’s a spoiled elitist with an ego so self-centered it could compete with an Earth-devouring black hole. Hopefully he’ll go, and fade out, and never come back. We’ll call this option C.